When I first started college I found the whole experience somewhat perplexing. How do I keep up with all the coursework? How do I pretend to look interested in football? What even is a Student Union??? I attempted to track my progress throughout the year by listing my newfound knowledge in a Word document.
For your enjoyment and edification, I’ve unearthed this gem from the archives of my hard drive. I find it details a very telling story about my first year of college.
- Schedule a trip to the grocery store at the end of move-in day: something will always be forgotten.
- The textbook companies are trying to swindle me out of millions.
- Coffee shops are also trying to swindle me out of millions.
- Fire alarms only go off in the dorms at 3 or 7 am when it is very cold or raining.
- The words to “Sweet Caroline.”
- Just because he wants your number doesn’t mean he wants to call you.
- Donating blood isn’t so bad and it makes you feel like a superhero.
- I will always be “Cindy” to the Starbucks baristas.
- Sometimes you’re just going to forget to do your math homework, and it will be ok.
- For every good night out, you will probably experience three bad ones.
- Failing an exam does not cause instantaneous death or biblical plagues in Egypt or a third world war.
- When you think a cute boy might be checking you out, check your teeth to make sure there isn’t just something stuck in there. Do not do this in front of him — this will never be attractive.
- Bring a coat when you’re going out in the winter. There will be a place to put it.
- Bring an ugly coat. Some bitch wants to steal your favorite one.
- That cute boy I mentioned earlier might actually be checking you out. Don’t give up so easily.
- For every good night out, you will have a good night out. The secret is vodka.
- Kissing is nice.
- Talk on the first day of class. I don’t care if it’s scary. Just do it.
Anyway, that’s my advice to college freshmen. What did you learn in college? Add your own tips, tricks, and silly anecdotes below! I’d love to hear what you think.